Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs December 9, 2009
Posted by avsherwood1 in Christmas, Humor!, Opinions and Rants.2 comments
There are plenty of wonderful Christmas songs out there. Songs that warm our hearts and remind us what Christmas is all about. They’re songs that make us happy – make us smile and wash away all our troubles. This is not about those songs. Here are my picks for the top five worst Christmas songs ever.
5. “Mele Kalikimaka” by Bing Crosby – I don’t really have a problem with Ol’ Bing of course but I do have a problem with this Christmas song. It’s about Christmas in Hawaii and I am a firm believer that Christmas should be cold and snowy. Hawaii shouldn’t even be allowed to have Christmas. They should have their own version of it called Hawaii-mas which would include singing songs like “Tropical Wonderland” and “Frosty the Igneous Rock Formation.” I have a Bachelor’s in Biblical Studies so I can say with complete authority that Christmas lights on palm trees make Baby Jesus cry.
4. “Hands (Christmas Version)” by Jewel – All I have to say about this “Christmas” song is that adding jingle bells to your normally non-Christmas song does not suddenly a holiday song make. It’s generally required that you actually sing about Christmas, Santa, or Jesus – not how small your hands are.
3. “Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg – Nothing says “Christmas spirit” like a song about two old has-beens drinking warm beer in a car and lamenting the lives they could have had with each other. Making only a passing mention of Christmas this dirge has somehow become holiday “favorite.” Really it’s about being depressed. If you don’t feel like slitting your writs at the end of this dreary, turgid song then you, my friend, are made of pure sunshine. This terrible ode to lost loves doesn’t ignite feelings of Christmas cheer and it doesn’t make me reflect on good times or appreciate what I have. It makes me want to do one single thing: give Dan Fogelberg and old-fashioned Christmas punch in the face.
2. “A Baby Changes Everything” by Faith Hill – Really the biggest problem with this song is where Faith Hill sings about how the baby is going to change all of Mary’s plans. Really? Just what kind of plans does a first-century Hebrew girl have, exactly? Was she hoping to try out for Palestinian Idol? Did she hope to get her mystery novel-writing career off the ground? Did she want to be a Solid Gold dancer? Unless you were rich your plans in the first century were the following: not die. That’s pretty much it, but thanks for trying Faith Hill.
1. “The Christmas Shoes” by Newsong – This is by far the worst Christmas song ever penned by human hands. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s about a man, mildly annoyed by having to wait in a line. He sees a child who is desperately trying to acquire the titular “Christmas Shoes” and the boy doesn’t have enough money. Okay… that’s not so bad but here’s the twist – the boy’s mother is mere minutes away from death! Moved by the child’s selflessness, the man gives the kid the extra money he needs and feels good about himself and Christmas once again.
What. The. Heck.
Seriously? This is just wrong on so many levels. Since when was Jesus so concerned about people’s footwear? Is there some passage in the Bible that says, “Yea, and Jesus separated the sheep who had nice shoes from the goats who had ugly shoes. Good shoes did thusly go to the right and ugly shoes to the left. And unto those who had Jimmy Choo shoes thus the Lord spake, “Yea verily, you…look…FABULOUS!”
Oh, and I’m sure if you’re dying the foremost thing on your mind is having nice pair of shoes to show off to the Lord.
Lastly, according to Newsong, God hates it so much when we’re slightly annoyed with shopping lines that He’ll kill random moms just to shut us up! Oh, and this song is vastly improved if you replace every instance of the word “shoes” with “boobs.” Try it!
The Master Snooper and the Ironic Twist of Fate December 2, 2009
Posted by avsherwood1 in Christmas, Humor!, Totally Random.1 comment so far
Ah yes… the Yule log is burning brightly in the hearth. Nat King Cole is cooing softly from the stereo. These things say only one thing: Christmas time is here again. People all over the world are engaged in that ancient holiday tradition of wracking their brains trying to figure out what gift to get a person they only see once or twice a year. Or if they are really blessed they are wracking their brains trying to figure out what to get for their office nemesis whose name they accidentally drew out of the Secret Santa pool at work. Now we could argue into the starlit night as to why Christmas is so popular, but I think we all know — presents. Any holiday that involves the receiving of presents is usually a clear favorite when put up against non-present holidays. For example if you asked the average person which holiday they preferred, Christmas or Arbor Day, they would most likely pick Christmas unless they were some tie-dyed hippie with greasy long hair who only prefers Arbor Day because he is confused about where weed comes from.
It should go without saying that my all-time favorite holiday is Christmas. I’d also be lying if I said one of the reasons I like Christmas isn’t presents but it is. Being an only child my parents would go all out for Christmas. They gave me countless gifts. All of which generally all led up to one spectacular “show stopping” finale of a gift that was usually something electronic and/or fantastically expensive. Ironically as I got older the “big” gifts started getting smaller and smaller. You’d never guess by looking at a wrapped up Super Nintendo game that at the time it probably cost more than either of my parents’ cars.
Since I had such affection for presents I became a skilled snooper. Not a pooper-snooper, just a present snooper. Mom had two hiding spots – the closet in her room, and the closet in dad’s room (separate rooms because dad snores so loud that the people at the local bar would tell him to keep it down because they were, in their words, “Trying to get drunk and fornicate and we’d like some peace and quiet while we do it!”). All I really had to do was wait until no one was home, then go to one of the two spots and see what was there. I did this pretty much every year after say third grade.
My finest hour as MASTER SNOOPER was in seventh grade. I somehow had the good fortune to be sick the entire week before Christmas. I was old enough to stay home and my illness was not so debilitating that it required the constant presence of a parent. So all day I sat… staring at the presents under the tree… shaking them… wondering what, indeed, they could hold for my greedy self. Then inspiration struck! I could take some scissors and slit the scotch tape holding the packages and see what was inside! When done I could simply replace the scotch tape and no one would be the wiser. It was genius. At least I thought so at 13 – I was the James Bond of the present peeping world! In my stealthiness I had discovered that I’d gotten a Game Boy, Super Mario Bros. 3, some pants, and other things that were so wondrous that my brain couldn’t handle the memories of what they were (i.e. I forgot). I even took out the Game Boy and the games and played them while my parents were at work. I played Super Mario Bros. 3…using some of the Game Genie codes with the Game Genie that I also got that year. The beauty of my plan was that my parents never knew until years later when I told them!
Many years later an ironic thing happened. I had gotten my wife several presents and laid them under the tree. I went on and on about how wonderful Christmas was and how I used to snoop my gifts and detailed the method I’d used. Little did I know that that very year my own dear wife, who claims everyday that she loves me, used the very same tactic on her gifts that year. Then she got mad at me because I wanted to wait to open presents until later in the day. Yes, truly an Alanis-worthy case of irony…
…don’t you think?
I’m a Blog Bigamist November 3, 2009
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Hey everyone! And by “everyone” I mean mom and dad. If you’re neither of the people who contributed to my genetic profile and you’ve somehow wandered over here on your own, thank you for visiting! I’ve started a new blog at www.adamipodreviews.blogspot.com where I’m taking all the music on my Ipod and reviewing it for no other reason that it’s a lot of fun. A lot of the music is Christian, some of it’s not. Mosey on over and take a look why don’t you! I’m not abandoning this blog though, this is where my general life events and sarcastic nonsense will go.
God bless!
The Bitter Old Man’s Guide to Online Gaming October 28, 2009
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I suck at playing online. I won’t deny it. I’ve only recently been able to play online. Yes, while other people were ignoring school/work/family in pursuit of the perfect headshot, I was blissfully playing Final Fantasy XII (by myself) for mere hours at a time. Heck, when I was growing up “multiplayer” meant that you had a friend come over to play Contra. If you were an only child like I was, you probably didn’t even own any games that two people could play (except Contra and Super Mario Bros.). So as someone who rarely ever plays with other people offline – let alone online, imagine my confusion at the culture that greeted me on my inaugural online session. I didn’t spend but two seconds alive – just enough to look around and see where I was before someone killed me. So if you’re an old man like me and you’re going to brave the online multiplayer arena, here are some observations on what to expect.
1. Do not expect any mercy. You will have none. You had better be immediately excellent at whatever you’re playing because no one, and I repeat, NO ONE is going to help you. You’ll be yelled at endlessly by your teammates and your enemies and it won’t stop until you figure out how to be good. Oh, and good luck finding a more experienced player to mentor you, they’d rather frag you instead.
2. Play all the time. Literally. All. The. Time. It’s the only hope you’ll have against the 8 yr olds and the college students whose entire day revolves around playing games. At some point, you’re going to have to choose between your wife, family, job, and this game. Make sure you make the right choice.
3. You won’t make friends. Game companies would have you believe that online gaming is a way to connect with people from all around the world. These relationships can grow over time and even spill over into your real life. This is pure horse hockey. As stated before the only people you will meet will be kids and college students. None of these will want to be your friend because you’re a noob. On the off chance you do happen to partner up with someone cool, rest assured you will never see them again. Even if you’re friends on Xbox, after the initial session you will probably never talk to that person again. I suppose it’s possible to develop a group of friends that you like to play with but you’ll have to be doing #2 on the list.
4. Don’t bother with a headset. You know how when you play Monopoly or Risk or something everyone can have an intelligent conversation and play the game at the same time? Well, online it’s all about “tactics” … if you’re lucky. Mostly it will be trash talk and profanity. If they do talk about “tactics” the main thing you will hear is something akin to, “Stop dying dummy!” So do yourself a favor and don’t even bother plugging in your headset.
5. Forget working as a team. The only people online who work as a team are the geeks who play 24/7 with their own clan. However, since being in a clan is one of the dorkiest things you can do aside from dressing up like Star Trek characters and filming “movies” in your basement, you will probably not be in a clan. If you find yourself on a team your best bet is to just try your hardest not to die, because forming any sort of tactic is like trying to direct a third grade production of Hamlet using only hand signals.
Really and truly, people like me have no business playing online. After all, if I can’t devote four hours to learning how to wall strafe or spend an entire day practicing with the battle rifle in Halo 3, then I shouldn’t even be online. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to play Half Life 2… by myself.
Halloween Costume Ideas October 18, 2009
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Now that Halloween is on its way, we all might need some ideas for costumes. Luckily, celebrities provide plenty of ideas. If you’re looking for that special costume that’s sure to blow people away here are some suggestions.
Kate Gosselin
John Gosselin
Joyce Meyer
Joel Osteen
Octomom
Favorite Albums of 2009 October 14, 2009
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Now that the year is winding down, it’s time to recap some of my favorite albums of this year. Keep in mind, some of these discs came out this year and some of them didn’t, it’s just albums that I found this year that I’ve enjoyed.
1. The Devin Townsend Project – Ki: This is the first part of a four disc series that sees Devin Townsend (formerly of Strapping Young Lad) creating music sans drugs. Good news is, he does not need drugs to write good music. This is a quiet and mellow album as opposed to the pummeling metal masterpieces he usually produces. It’s also amazing.
2. Balance of Power – Perfect Balance: Mmmm… tasty, tasty power metal. Imagine if Dream Theater actually wrote songs and had a better vocalist – that’s kind of what Balance of Power sounds like. Lance King is an awesome vocalist!
3. Daniel Amos – Mr. Beauchner’s Dream: I’ve been listening to Daniel Amos a lot this year since I’ve been able to gain access to their back catalogue. I picked Dream though because it is the culmination of dang near thirty years worth of work by the band. It’s a double CD packed with 32 tunes and out of those 32 I can only think of one or two I don’t care for. If that’s not amazing I don’t know what is. I should also add that I’ve really been getting into Alarma!, Doppelganger, Vox Humana, Fearful Symmetry, Darn Floor-Big Bite, and Bibleland. I didn’t want this whole countdown to be about Daniel Amos though!
4. Megadeth – Endgame: Come on! This is Megadeth. Metallica had the spotlight last year, now it’s ‘Deth’s turn. Endgame is a technical metal monster, I’d say better than Death Magnetic.
5. Paramore – Brand New Eyes: It just came out, I know, but it’s pretty good. “Misguided Ghosts” is probably one of the finest songs they’ve done. It’s got that Sixpence None the Richer/ The Sundays sort of vibe that gives the album some variety. I guess they’ve been getting some crap about the new album but I don’t know why. Haley’s voice has improved and the whole album is a great listen from start to finish.
6. Crashdog – Humane Society: Crashdog is Christian punk. Real punk. Not radio watered down punk like Green Day or Blink 182. Real punk. Though on second thought, the guitar work is way too awesome to really be punk so maybe not. Can punk even have guitar leads?
7. Believer – Gabriel: Believer is back, and they still rock. Solid technical thrash with industrial elements. It’s almost like they never broke up! Also includes the vocalist from Killswitch Engage.
8. Fall Out Boy – Folie a Deux: Fall Out Boy wins with another catchy emo album. Can’t help it, love me those hooks!
9. Ultimatum – Into the Pit: It’s so nice to hear some good plain ol’ thrash. No frills, no epic anything, no artsy-fartsy crap, just pure adrenaline fueled thrash. Like grandma used to make. “Heart of Metal” alone fills me with glee.
10. Flyleaf – Memento Mori: This isn’t out yet and I haven’t heard it all, but based on the single “Again” I guarantee it will be something that my wife and I will be listening to at the close of this year.
11. The Devin Townsend Project – Addicted: Here’s another one that’s not out until November, but I will be buying it and will, most likely, be loving it. In contrast to Ki this record is going to be an epic, dense, layered hook laden slice of rock/metal. Oh, and it will also feature vocals from Anneke van Giersbergen who did vocals for a few of Ayreon’s albums. Devin himself described it as “Enya-core.” I’m totally down with that!
Essentials of Worship October 7, 2009
Posted by avsherwood1 in Humor!, Totally Random.1 comment so far
Every now and again it’s good to bring out the classics. This remains my most popular and well-loved essay.
Church worship has changed since I was a lad. It used to be that the only types of songs holy enough to sing before God were hymns and certain praise choruses. When the songs were sung it was imperative, in order to appear holy toward God, that they were sung with as little life and emotion as possible. After all, one would not want to offend God with our filthy, dirty emotions. Now a new breed of worship has sprung up in the church. It involves lot of instruments, singers, back-up singers, choirs, trumpet sections, dancing girls, laser light shows, fire-breathing alligator men… you name it. If you have room to cram it on stage – it’s good! We’re allowed to be more expressive with our worship. Gushy shows of emotion are encouraged, as are physical forms of praise.
Do not be fooled, however, as the rules for worship are still as strict as they were back in my day when we had to walk uphill both ways through seven feet of snow fighting off grizzly bears just to go to school. For instance, when worshipping worshippers should make sure their brows are furrowed to demonstrate a deep concern and reverence for God. Those who have trouble with this facial expression should pretend they have been constipated for a week and their only hope of relief is to get out one good bowel movement – that face is the one that should be used. Also, they should make sure their eyes are closed because, as our Lord once said, “Thou must keepest thine eyes closed whilest one worshippeth, for if thou dost not, thou shalt go straight to hell… no stopping on the way. Do not passeth ‘Go,’ do not collecteth $200.” At some point, with eyes closed and concern etched upon the face, the worshipper should shake their head “no” at some point. The reason for this is unclear, but apparently, God seems to like it because people keep doing it.
Now if you find yourself in one of these new fangled churches it is usually required that you raise your hands at some point to demonstrate maximum spirituality. There are various methods for the raising of hands but the classic and most accepted form is the “Scary Bear” method. This requires one raise his hands all the way above the head outstretched with palms out — as if he were trying to ward off a scary bear in the woods. You may also wave your hands back and forth to more accurately simulate the scaring off of said bear. This form is most widely used by men but can also be used by women provided they fill out the correct paper work in triplicate and fax it to God. The form most favored by women is the “Please Hand Me Down That Loaf of Italian Bread.” This is where the worshipper extends their arms out, slightly bent, with palms up, as if they were receiving a loaf of bread from someone upstairs. While women can use either the “Italian Bread” form or the “Scary Bear” form, men can only use the “Scary Bear.” Any detraction from this rule means the man is gay. Now there are many variations on both of these forms – the “Air traffic Controller,” the “Mime in a Box,” and the “Spider-Man” are just a few. Any form can be used provided it doesn’t stray too far from the original motions and doesn’t look too weird. After all, if we let this emotional hullabaloo get out of hand we’ll be fondling snakes and drinking Drain-O before you can say “Junior G. McCormick.”
Finally, the use of dance has become popular in some churches. It’s interesting that the word “dance” when translated from the original Greek and Hebrew actually means one of the three following things: “jump up and down in one place,” “sway back and forth,” or “prance around like a hippie at Woodstock.” Men should stick to jumping up and down and swaying, but never ever prance around like a hippie. It is also important to disregard any rhythm the current song may have because as many studies have shown — rhythmic dancing makes you pregnant.
Following these simple rules for worship you can be sure that you get the most out of your worship experience because that’s what it’s all about… how you feel. Or something…
Finding A Poem That Doesn’t Suck September 16, 2009
Posted by avsherwood1 in Life and Stuff, Totally Random.2 comments
Wow… it’s been awhile. Well, it’s been busy at the Sherwood Compound as of late. We’re awaiting the arrival of our little Bean even though he’s not due until March. I’ve been working a lot, which blows. I’ve been practicing guitar more lately because I’d like to start doing some simple recordings of some tunes I’d like to cover, but I’m not sure that will happen. I do have my calloused fingers back though! I’m also helping with a friend’s book so most of my mental energies are spoken for.
I wish I had a little bit more for you. I’ll try to find one of my poem’s that doesn’t suck out loud. Luckily, since only my wife and my mom are really interested in this blog it’s okay if it sucks. I could crap in a jar and they’d think it was the finest crap in a jar they’d ever seen. It’s nice to be loved! Anyway…
Monsters
The Creature from the Black Lagoon Is knocking on my door He wants to come and play again Just like he did before
The Wolfman stands not far behind His hair is neatly combed The bouquet in his hands suggests He’s finally reformed
Both Dracula and Frankenstien Are flashing gentle smiles They promise me they will behave Renouncing all that’s vile
My house is full of monsters now Who had their fingers crossed I pay the price a second time And double what I’ve lost
*****
I think out of the poems that I’ve written, this is one of my favorites. It’s one of the few that I feel confident is actually “good.” I especially enjoy the imagery of the old Universal movie monsters trying their hardest to appear civilized, and the simple “greeting card” rhythm fits well with the imagery. If you didn’t guess, this poem is about letting harmful things back into your life after you’ve gotten rid of them. It could be a person, a thing, or whatever - it’s not specific on purpose. It’s just a warning to guard your heart and I think it’s simple and effective.
Who’s Your Daddy? Me, Apparently August 11, 2009
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It all started with a panicky phone call from Lindy.
“I was eating pizza and it didn’t taste good!” She said. “Then I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! Then I took another one… and it was positive too!”
She was shocked. She asked me how this could’ve happened. I suspended the lecture on human reproduction and assured her that this is what we’ve been asking God for just about every night before we go to bed.
We’d been trying for over a year. My wife has (had?) a condition called Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Little cysts grow on the ovaries and they don’t produce eggs like they should. The first time Lindy didn’t have her period we were ecstatic because we thought she might be pregnant. Unfortunately the news that we weren’t was devastating. We started trying medication. The first one, Metformin was to help with metabolic syndrome. My wife’s body didn’t accept the insulin that it made and that can contribute to PCOS. I can’t remember what the second was called but it was for fertility.
Still no kids…
After two cycles of fertility drugs we took a break. We wondered whether we should have kids at all… whether we were meant to have kids at all. At some point we started accepting our childless status. We started enjoying the fact that we didn’t have kids, that it was just us. We were at the point where we were pretty okay with that.
“Well, that’s no fun!” said God, who I think has a pretty good sense of humor.
So off to the doctor we went. They wanted to do an ultrasound. I wondered why since it didn’t seem like there would be anything to see at this point.
Surprise!
I saw a little kidney bean with a tiny flash in the middle. Then I heard it: whoosh-whoosh-whoosh-whoosh… the beating heart of little Sherwood, Jr.
I have never had a more surreal moment in all my life. Right there… inside my wife’s belly was a little person! A PERSON! And I helped make it!
I cried a little. Not weeping like a widow or anything, but tears were shed. So get ready people another Sherwood should enter the world on or around March 22!
Kentucky Vacation, Day 5 Redux July 30, 2009
Posted by avsherwood1 in Life and Stuff.1 comment so far
The last full day… so sad…
We started off the morning as we usually do – doing nothing. Since we had such a late night we slept in and I raced out to get Chik-Fil-A before they stopped serving breakfast. Then we pretty much just hung out until around two or so. Then Rezia came over and we went to the Kentucky University Arboretum. It was alright… as fun as looking at flowers can really be. Then we went to Graeter’s again for ice cream. It was really good.
We came home and hung out some more. We watched some DVD on near death experiences… it was interesting. Later we went to gas up the car and get it washed. Then we came home.
All of a sudden Lindy’s mom decided she wanted to go bowling. Sounded fun to us, so we all went. I am a very inconsistent bowler. One minute I’m getting strikes and spares, the next I’m getting big fat goose eggs. I did end up winning with a score of 85. That’s right… I won with an 85. Now we’re home and we’ve got to get around a little for the trip tomorrow. We’re going to stop at my friend Jason’s house near Atlanta and scope the place out a little. Then we’ll head home Saturday.
Tomorrow I’m hoping to check out this big Christian Book Warehouse on the side of I-75. I hope to find some cheap lost treasures.
Well… that’s all for now. Later ya’ll!
