Essentials of Prophecy

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This is the second of what I originally envisioned as a series. Unfortunately, I just couldn’t think of a way to keep it going. I like this one okay but it suffers from two problems. One, the gift of prophecy or prophetic word isn’t really something that’s “mainstream” like worship is. In order to really get the jokes you’d have to be around a group that does this sort of thing. Second, it’s a bit more mean-spirited than I intended. 

Recently some churches have begun to utilize the gift of prophetic utterances in their services. Of course, the old guard still believes that God will only speak to humans through the written Word of God and nothing else. Though if you corner them they will also admit that God will occasionally speak through other books like Hey God, Are You There? It’s Me Margaret, The Cat in the Hat, and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Needlepoint. Aside from this group, more and more churches are using prophetic gifts – though at the cost of other spiritual gifts like “parking lot attendant” and “nursery worker.”

You may find yourself lost and confused in this new “spirit-filled” environment. “How do I fit in?” you’ll ask. First, put down the snake. State law requires that you have no more than five teeth – at a maximum – in order to religiously fondle snakes. But worry not, contained within this document are some helpful tips for prophecy. Soon you’ll be spouting prophetic word like a champ, nay, like Benny Hinn even.

If you’re new to this type of ministry you will start out at the “amateur” level. It is best to keep your prophecies as vague as possible in order to maintain the highest accuracy rate. If you’re not sure what to say, try something general like, “You know, I think God really loves you” or “I feel like the Lord is saying that today is Tuesday. Yes… it’s definitely Tuesday.” However, don’t use the latter unless it actually is Tuesday. By using these techniques you can appear spiritual and gifted even you have no more prophetic gifting than the average dirty sock.

Another thing to remember is that any and all things you picture in your head are important and have meaning – even if you don’t know what that meaning is. Therefore, the use of an overly descriptive vision with no interpretation whatsoever is a fantastic start to prophetic word. If you’re having trouble, try something like the following:

“I saw a vision of you. You were riding a dinosaur, but he was sort of teal-colored and he had a pirate hat on. You were singing that song that goes, ‘We Built This City on Rock n’ Roll.’ Oh, who is that by? Do you know what song I’m talking about? Anyway, the dinosaur was smoking a cigar. But I felt like the Lord told me that this wasn’t a Cuban cigar it was a Swisher Sweet. I don’t know what it means but that’s what I saw.”

Be warned that if you use something like this the recipient of such a prophecy may respond with the ancient biblical practice of punching you square in the throat.

Once you have gained enough prophetic experience points, you will “level up” to “Professional Prophet.” If you’re unclear as to how many experience points you have, ask your nearest Dungeon Master. At the “pro” level you are allowed to be very specific. In fact, you must act like your prophecy comes straight from the Lord’s mouth. Make sure to begin every sentence with “Thus sayeth the Lord” or some other grand pronouncement. This will remind your hearers that what you are saying is actually from the Lord and not just some crazy-ass thought you had while sitting on the toilet.

Navigating the waters of the Spirit is difficult and not for the faint of heart. So if you plan on prophesying, use these tips to help you get the “edge” you need. Because, at the end of the day, it’s all about how you look… yeah, that’s it…

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