Essentials of Worship


Let’s start the resurrection of this blog with an old classic. I have yet to meet a person that doesn’t like this. I’m still proud of it though I think it could use some additional editing.

Church worship has changed since I was a lad. It used to be that the only types of songs holy enough to sing before God were hymns and certain praise choruses. When the songs were sung it was imperative, in order to appear holy toward God, that they were sung with as little life and emotion as possible. After all, we would not want to offend God with our filthy, dirty emotions. Now a new breed of worship has sprung up in the church. It involves lot of instruments, singers, back-up singers, choirs, trumpet sections, dancing girls, laser light shows, fire-breathing alligator men… you name it. If you have room to cram it on stage – it’s good! We’re allowed to be more expressive with our worship. Gushy shows of emotion are encouraged, as are physical forms of praise.

Do not be fooled, however, as the rules for worship are still as strict as they were back in my day when we had to walk uphill both ways through seven feet of snow fighting off grizzly bears just to go to school. For instance, when worshipping worshippers should make sure their brows are furrowed to demonstrate a deep concern and reverence for God. Those who have trouble with this facial expression should pretend they have been constipated for a week and their only hope of relief is to get out one good bowel movement – that face is the one that should be used. Also, they should make sure their eyes are closed because, as our Lord once said, “Thou must keepest thine eyes closed whilest one worshippeth, for if thou dost not, thou shalt go straight to hell… no stopping on the way. Do not passeth ‘Go,’ do not collecteth $200.” At some point, with eyes closed and concern etched upon the face, the worshipper should shake their head “no” at some point. The reason for this is unclear, but apparently, God seems to like it because people keep doing it.

Now if you find yourself in one of these new fangled churches it is usually required that you raise your hands at some point to demonstrate maximum spirituality. There are various methods for the raising of hands but the classic and most accepted form is the “Scary Bear” method. This requires one raise his hands all the way above the head outstretched with palms out — as if he were trying to ward off a scary bear in the woods. You may also wave your hands back and forth to more accurately simulate the scaring off of said bear. This form is most widely used by men but can also be used by women provided they fill out the correct paper work in triplicate and fax it to God. The form most favored by women is the “Please Hand Me Down That Loaf of Italian Bread.” This is where the worshipper extends their arms out, slightly bent, with palms up, as if they were receiving a loaf of bread from someone upstairs. While women can use either the “Italian Bread” form or the “Scary Bear” form, men can only use the “Scary Bear.” Any detraction from this rule means the man is gay. Now there are many variations on both of these forms – the “Air traffic Controller,” the “Mime in a Box,” and the “Spider-Man” are just a few. Any form can be used provided it doesn’t stray too far from the original motions and doesn’t look too weird. After all, if we let this emotional hullabaloo get out of hand we’ll be fondling snakes and drinking Drain-O before you can say “Junior G. McCormick.”

Finally, the use of dance has become popular in some churches. It’s interesting that the word “dance” when translated from the original Greek and Hebrew actually means one of the three following things: “jump up and down in one place,” “sway back and forth,” or “prance around like a hippie at Woodstock.” Men should stick to jumping up and down and swaying, but never ever prance around like a hippie. It is also important to disregard any rhythm the current song may have because as many studies have shown — rhythmic dancing makes you pregnant.

Following these simple rules for worship you can be sure that you get the most out of your worship experience because that’s what it’s all about… how you feel. Or something…


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