The Deficit of Pretty

Standard

I’m still convinced, even after seven years of marriage, that women think only one woman can be pretty at any one time.

“Do you think she’s pretty?”

It’s a question we men are often asked by their wives and girlfriends. We’re usually very afraid when this question gets asked of us. The little Admiral Akbars in our brains pop up and yell, “IT’S A TRAP!!” warning us that no matter what we say or do, a great battle is about to be fought in which we will only win if we happen to have some Ewoks on our side. And let’s be honest here… who the heck wants any Ewoks anyway? They would’ve totally gotten slaughtered in real life and we all know it.

Anyway…

Many women, scratch that, all women are insecure about their looks. Every woman I have ever talked to thinks she is the fattest sow on earth. She could be all of 90 pounds soaking wet and she’ll complain about how she needs to get ready for “beach season,” whatever the heck that is. Women are always worried about how they look. “Do I look alright in this outfit?” they’ll say, and we’ll say something like “I think you would look better without the outfit.” They will then roll their eyes as if we were making some kind of joke! Women think about how they look more often than they think about sex (if you can believe that!).

They also believe in what I have come to call the “deficit of pretty.” This is the belief that there is somehow a scarcity of beauty in the world. As if prettiness were a baton, a baseball cap, or an ‘it’s my turn to talk’ stick that only one woman can have at any one time. This is why they are constantly asking us whether they are pretty or whether we think other girls are pretty. If we were to think that another girl was pretty our wives and girlfriends would then conclude that they are not pretty based on their perception of the deficit of pretty. They will not be able to comprehend we can think they are pretty, be completely and totally happy with them, and yet maybe sort of perceive that another girl might be the slightest bit attractive – all in response, of course, to a question that they asked us.

I find that the best way to deal with this situation is to quickly point out the flaws in the other girl – even if I have to make some up. Really my wife isn’t necessarily asking if the other girl is pretty so much as wanting reassurance that she, herself is. So remember our strategy guys – talk down the other girl (ex. “Ick, her eyes are uneven. It makes her look like Sloth from The Goonies.”) and talk up your girl (ex. “Not like yours, yours are awesome, I could be lost in them for days!). So if this technique helps you stay out of the doghouse, you’re welcome. Please send check or money order to the address below…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s