Stranger Danger


My mom was a worrier. Ironically, I’m having the opposite problem with my daughter – she won’t talk to anyone!

When I was little my mother drilled it into my head one simple rule: never, ever talk to strangers – especially if they had candy. In fact, my mom assured me that if I so much as looked at a stranger crosswise my heart would instantly explode and flying monkeys would carry my carcass off to the devil. Okay… I admit that’s a tad extreme, but my mother did inject a healthy dose “stranger fear” into me. I remember yelling at some guy when I came out of a bathroom at some restaurant, “I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO STRANGERS!!!!!!” I poke fun at my wonderful mother, but you can’t argue with her results, I’m alive and here to type this instead doing something important!

You know… I’m 34 years old and I still don’t talk to strangers. Not really because I’m afraid of them. The bullies, rapists, and serial killers who look at me don’t know that I probably wouldn’t actually be able to beat up and/or escape them – but as the old saying goes, “fat people are harder to kidnap.”

Think about that for a minute. Have you ever heard of a fat person being kidnapped? No, you have not. Why? Because feeding us would probably cost more than whatever ransom the kidnapper was asking for. Not to mention that we’re impossible to restrain because we’ll just eat the restraints if we’re hungry enough. Also if you’re going to keep a fat person in captivity you need them to be mobile or else you’re faced with the horrible option of actually having to carry them.

Any kidnappers out there looking to make a name for themselves should try and kidnap the world’s fattest man. However, you must actually move the man from his home to your hideout. You can’t just bust into his house and hold him there, that’s not kidnapping – that’s kidkeeping. Once he’s moved all that’s left is to pray and hope the ransom comes in before he devours your entire operation. If successful you’d be…like… the king of kidnappers. You’d look at foiled kidnappers on the news, roll your eyes and say, “Eh… amateurs!”

Anyway… back to what I was saying. I don’t talk to strangers because I just don’t care what they have to say. Usually I have the unfortunate luck to accidentally talk to some old person who needs to inform me, in great detail, about all their hemorrhoids and the size, color, shape, and consistency of their bowel movements. OR some person who goes, “Hey Adam, where’s Eve! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!” Like I’ve never heard that phrase a zillion times already. To this day I have never met a stranger with candy…sadly. I would gladly suffer through a lecture on enemas if I was snacking on a Snickers bar.

So if you’re a stranger and you want to talk to me, you’d better have some candy on hand because that’s the only way you’re getting me into your van!


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