It’s All About the Benjamins


I really hate my job. A lot. This is a problem because I need to make money. The mortgage company gets pretty grumpy if I don’t send a check every month. Big babies. I am always thinking alternative money making ideas that require a minimum of actual work. After all, those who make the most money never do any work. Do you think the CEO of WhateverCorp does any work? Nope, it’s all meetings and hookers for him. Overseas hookers, too. The kind that cost a lot of money but will play King of Tokyo[1] for hours if you ask them to. Yeah, that’s the kind of money I want. Overseas hookers money. I don’t want to get any hookers, mind you. But imagine if you lived a life where you had to resist the temptation to get an overseas hooker because it’s an easily affordable option?

On second thought, becoming a CEO takes too long. Also, I hate meetings. Not one productive thing has ever happened in a meeting. Meetings were invented by choleric personalities so they can feel like they are doing something when, in fact, they are not. No, what I really need to do is create something, write a movie, make a song, or indie video game that I can sell and become rich. It doesn’t even have to be a good item, song, movie, or game. In fact it could be one of the worst items, songs, movies, or games ever made but that won’t stop me from making money. How else do you explain things like Big Mouth Billy the Singing Bass!

Imagine for just one moment. Some down on his luck redneck was fishing in his boat on a hot summer’s day. While drinking and fishing out on that serene pond he feels a tug on his line… oh joy of joys a big mouth bass emerges from the water! This redneck thinks to himself, “This is the perfect moment! I can think of only one thing that would make this better. Fish! Sing me some Skynard!” Thusly the singing fish was born. Now this man is living high off the hog… life o’ Riley… all because he acted on an idea most of us would dismiss as  “idiodic” or “stupid” or “just plain goofy.”

I’ve had several ideas that I thought could make me money. One was a movie starring Fred Savage called Coach Pitch. Basically it was a rip-off of Air Bud, only it starred the dog from the Beethoven movies. When I was in college my friend Megan and I would waste hours at Krispy Kreme planning the whole thing out. The genius of it was that this wasn’t going to be a great movie, nay, not even a good movie – it was going to be spectacular in its mediocrity. It would also be cheap. I imagine Fred Savage isn’t doing much these days. Of course that doesn’t matter… we would still make money!

Another idea is to write a pop song of some sort. The good thing about writing pop songs is that you don’t really have to have any talent to make a hit. Take one stale disco beat… add some electronica or dubstep… a sexy female backup dancer that can gyrate her hips to the beat (talent optional) and viola! You have a hit on your hands! How ‘bout something like this…

“You’re My Girl”

You’re my girl

This I swear

Standing here

In my underwear

Swear it’s true

Don’t deny

You’re my girl

Til the day I die

Catchy eh? I think so too…after all if the Black Eyed Peas can write songs about Fergie’s “humps” and Taylor Swift can write songs about every boyfriend she’s ever had, I figure I could write a song like this. It would be a smash! I could be called in to write songs for other groups too! I’d have a string of hits like “Girl, You’re Mine” and “My, My Girl” or perhaps, “That Girl of Mine.” I can just see it now, sitting in my guitar shaped pool, sipping a cool drink, playing King of Tokyo with an overseas hooker. Yeah, it’d be great.

[1] That’s an actual board game, not a sex thing. Am I saying I would pay hookers just to play a board game with me? Why that’s just silly!


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