My daughter asked me the other day why I was fat. I told her, “because I like to eat and I don’t like to exercise.” She seemed to accept this reason as sensible and logical. My doctor does not. He’ll inform me of my weight like it’s some revelation. “Oh, Sherlock! Brilliant deduction my good fellow! Why, I thought I had worms!” Usually when he informs me of my weight I role my eyes, much like Sherlock does to the British police force when they say something asinine like, “Uh… dis dude is dead.”
My doctor insists I should lose some weight. He is not wrong. I am fat. Comparatively I might not be quite so enormous, but my heart tells me differently. Especially after mowing the lawn in the hot sun. Thump-Thump-Thump it says. However, I know what the translation is: Seriously dude – didn’t God specifically forbid bacon? Sometimes I even think about losing some weight. Maybe perhaps laying off the bacon. Maybe even going so far as to not eat pizza regularly.
Then I go to work.
Folks, I don’t think you realize how much energy it takes for an introvert to do an extrovert’s job. The answer, in case you are wondering, a lot. I don’t have exact figures but it’s something around the 1,000,000 lumins range. No, I don’t know what a lumin is. Anyway, I have to talk to people every day. People I would never choose to talk to of my own free will. Often these people force information on me that I never asked for. An average conversation goes like this:
Me: Well, you have a nice day, sir. Thank you for shopping with us.
Customer: Yeah, man. I got that car from my meemaw five years ago. She didn’t never drive it hardly ever. Then she died and I got it. I took that 302 out and put a 350 in there. It runs great. Never had no trouble with it never – ‘cept this battery. But you know it’s been sitting up for awhile, cuz we don’t never drive it. Meemaw only went to the store and church. But now I drive that car to work and it’s great. Got that 350 in there now that I put in. You know how hard it is to change an engine in one of those things? I had a bugger of a time. We spent all weekend one day – me and my brother and my cousin all tryin’ to figure out how to swap the heads on that thing. Man, I tell you what. But it runs good now. I take it to work everyday…
And that’s one of the more pleasant monologues. It didn’t include anything about recent diseases, divorces, incarcerations, or any of the other millions of things people think the parts person wants to hear. Other introverts who’ve read the above exchange have already stopped reading this and locked themselves in their bedrooms just to recharge from this inane story from someone I made up. People, I listen to this all day, every day.
So, yeah… I eat. It’s the only time I can get away. I don’t think that will be ending any time soon. What I really need is a something like a “pocket extrovert” or “Pokevert,” if you will. I know that sounds like someone who wants to have sex with Pokemon, but bear with me – we can always change the name before production begins. I imagine it would work something like this:
Me: Thank you, ma’am. Have a great day!
Customer: Yeah, you know I just got divorced recently. My ex-husband used to do everything with the cars but I don’t know —
Me: I choose you, Pikachu! *throws Pokevert ball*
Me: This is Pikachu. He will listen to you. I have other shit to do.
Pikachu: Pika! Pika! Divorce?
Customer: Oh… um… yeah, so I got divorced and……
It would solve everyone’s problems. Then I wouldn’t have to run into the break room to sneak a bite of delicious pizza or chocolate. Surely I could lose weight then!